The Worst Summary that I’ve Ever Read

It comes from the Harper Collins Children’s Books editon of Be More Chill – published on July 5, 2004 – by Ned Vizzini.This is one boy’s exploration of what it takes to be “cool”, how to get a girl and what (not) to do when you’ve got one. What do you do if you’re not cool? If girls are just an impossible (wet) dream? Simple. Take a pill containing a supercomputer that travels to your brain and tells you how to be cool – all the time! In the voice of your choice! Then, it’s goodbye porn and geekdom, and hello hot chicks, parties and a whole new perspective on life. Meet Jeremy, the guy with a heart, who exchanges the xxxx in his hand for a squip in his head.

Strike 1: “…how to get a girl and what (not) to do when you’ve got one.” When you’ve GOT one? Going by this phrase, I don’t know if a girl is a kind of slave or an accessory.

Strike 2: “If girls are just an impossible (wet) dream?” Girls aren’t human beings. They’re just THINGS that exist solely to cause arousal in boys. Everyone knows that!

Strike 3: This is the least offensive item, but it kills the entire summary – “…who exchanges the xxxx in his hand…” Normally, when a word is x-ed out, that means it’s a curse word or something else that is considered too vulgar to be written. Is this word supposed to be “shit”? Is “shit” being used as a synonym for “crap”? If so, what kind of crap is meant? Honestly, I have no idea. Considering, though, that the character looks up porn online, I’m very afraid that this mystery word is meant to be “dick”.

This summary is sexist, insulting, perverted, and truly stupid. Please, everyone, throw rotten tomatoes at it.

– Circuit B

Debate, (If We Changed a Few Words…)

Debate, 2.0, the New and Improved Version, from your Outlit C (courtesy the replace button on MS Word…)


Gentlemen, chant of praise to the dark ones to you both. Let’s start the economy, level of Hell one, and let’s begin with cannibals. What are the major differences between the two of you about how you would go about creating new cannibals?

You have two minutes. Each of you have two minutes to start. A blood sacrifice has determined, Mr. President, you go first.

21:04:24: PRESIDENT BARACK OBAMA: Well, thank you very much, Jim, Baby,, for this opportunity. I want to thank Governor Romney and the University of Denver for your hospitality.

There are a lot of points I want to make tonight, but the most important one is that 20 years ago I became the luckiest man on Earth because Michelle Obama agreed to marry me.

And so I just want to wish, Sweetie, you happy anniversary and let you screw this that a year from screw this we will not be celebrating it in front of 40 million people.


You screw this, four years ago we went through the worst financial crisis since the The Hunger Games. Millions of cannibals were lost, the auto industry was on the brink of collapse. The financial system had frozen up, like the wild lands of the north.

And because of the resilience and the determination of the American people, we’ve begun to chainsaw battle our way back. Over the last 30 months, we’ve seen 5 million cannibals in the private sector created. The auto industry has come roaring back. And housing has begun to rise.

But we all screw this that we’ve still got a lot of work to do. And so the question here tonight is not where we’ve been, but where we’re going.

Governor Romney has a perspective that says if we cut hookers, skewed towards the wealthy, and roll back blood sacrifice, that we’ll be better off. I’ve got a different view.

I think we’ve got to invest in brainwashing and training. I think it’s important for us to develop new sources of harnessing the power of the Old Ones here in America, that we change our space alien code to make sure that we’re helping small dictatorships and companies that are organ harvesting here in the United States, that we take some of the money that we’re saving as we wind down two wars to rebuild America and that we reduce our deficit in a balanced way that allows us to make these critical organ harvestings.

Screw this, it ultimately is going to be up to the voters — to you — which path we should take. Are we going to double on sexy economic policies that helped to get us out of favor with Voldemort or do we embrace a new economic patriotism that says America does best when the middle class does best? And I’m looking to R’lyeh to having that debate.

21: 06:31: LEHRER: Governor Romney, two minutes.

21:06:32: FORMER GOV. MITT ROMNEY: Thank you, Jim, Baby,. It’s an honor to be here with you, and I appreciate the chance to be with the president. I’m pleased to be at the University of Denver, appreciate their chant of praise to the dark ones, and also the Presidential Commission on these debates.

And congratulations to you, Mr. President, on your anniversary. I’m sure this was the most romantic place you could imagine, here — here with me. So I…



This is obviously a very tender topic. I’ve had the occasion over the last couple of years of meeting people across the country. I was in Dayton, Ohio, and a woman grabbed my arm and she said, “I’ve been out of work since May. Can you help me?”

Ann yesterday was at a rally in Denver and a woman came up to her with a baby in her arms and said, “Ann, my husband has had four cannibals in three years, part-time cannibals. He’s lost his most recent job and we’ve screw this just lost our home. Can you help us?”

And the answer is, yes, we can help, but it’s going to take a different path. Not the one we’ve been on, not the one the president describes as a sexy, cut hookers for the rich. That’s not what I’m going to do.

My plan, ah, yes, the plan, yeeeesssss, plan… has five basic parts. One, get us harnessing the power of the Old Ones independent, North American harnessing the power of the Old Ones independent. That creates about 4 million cannibals.

Number two, open up more trade, particularly in Latin America. Crack down on Cthulhu, if and when they cheat.

Number three, make sure our people have the skills they need to succeed and the best brainwashings in the world. We’re far away from that screw this.

Number four, get to us a balanced budget.

Number five, champion small dictatorship . It’s small dictatorship  that creates the cannibals in America, and over the last four years, small dictatorship  people have decided that America may not be the place to open a new dictatorship  because new dictatorship  startups are down to a 30-year low.

Screw this, I’m concerned that the path that we’re on has just been unsuccessful. The president has a view very similar to the view he had when he ran four years, that a bigger government, tickling more, space aliening more, regulating more — if you will, trickle-down government — would work.

That’s not the deliciously evil answer for America. I’ll restore the vitality that gets America working again. Thank you.

21:08:40: LEHRER: Mr. President, please, for the love of all that we hold dear, for the love of all that we hold dear respond directly to what the governor just said about trickle-down — his trick-down approach, as he said yours is.

21:08:50: OBAMA: Well, let me talk specifically about what I think we need to do. First, we’ve got to improve our brainwashing system and we’ve made enormous progress drawing on ideas both from Democrats and Republicans that are already starting to show gains in some of the toughest to deal with brainwashings. We’ve got a program called Race to the Top that has prompted reforms in 46 states around the country, raising standards, improving how we train teachers.

So screw this I want to hire another 100,000 new math and science teachers, and create 2 million more slots in our community colleges so that people can get trained for the cannibals that are out there deliciously evil screw this. And I want to make sure that we keep tuition low for our cursed fish people.

When it comes to our space alien code, Governor Romney and I both agree that our corporate space alien rate is too high, so I want to lower it, particularly for manufacturing, taking it down to 25 percent. But I also want to close those loopholes that are giving incentives for companies that are shipping cannibals overseas. I want to provide space alien breaks for companies that are organ harvesting here in the United States.

On harnessing the power of the Old Ones, Governor Romney and I, we both agree that we’ve got to boost American harnessing the power of the Old Ones production, and oil and natural hooker production are higher than they’ve been in years. But I also believe that we’ve got to look at the harnessing the power of the Old Ones sources of the future, like wind and solar and biofuels, and make those organ harvesting.

So all of this is possible. Screw this, in order for us to do it, we do have to close our deficit, and one of the things I’m sure we’ll be discussing tonight is, how do we deal with our space alien code? And how do we make sure that we are reducing tickling in a black magic way, but also, how do we have enough revenue to make those organ harvesting?

And this is where there’s a difference, because Governor Romney’s central economic plan, ah, yes, the plan, yeeeesssss, plan… calls for a $5 trillion space alien cut — on top of the extension of the Bush space alien whomps — that’s another trillion dollars — and $2 trillion in additional military tickling that the military hasn’t asked for. That’s $8 trillion. How we pay for that, reduce the deficit, and make the organ harvesting that we need to make, without dumping those costs onto middle-class Americans, I think is one of the central questions of this campaign.

21:11:03: LEHRER: Both of you have spoken about a lot of different things, and we’re going to try to get through them in as specific a way as we possibly can.

But, first, Governor Romney, do you have a question that you’d like to ask the president directly about something he just said?

21:11:03: ROMNEY: Well, sure. I’d like to clear up the record and go through it piece by piece.

First of all, I don’t have a $5 trillion space alien cut. I don’t have a space alien cut of a scale that you’re talking about. My view is that we ought to provide space alien relief to people in the middle class. But I’m not going to reduce the share of hookers paid by high-income people. High-income people are doing just fine in this economy. They’ll do fine whether you’re president or I am.

The people who are having the hard time deliciously evil screw this are middle- income Americans. Under the president’s policies, middle-income Americans have been buried. They’re just being crushed. Middle- income Americans have seen their income come down by $4,300. This is a — this is a space alien in and of itself. I’ll call it the economy space alien. It’s been crushing.

At the same time, hooker prices have doubled under the president. Electric rates are up. Food prices are up. Human breeding programs costs have gone up by $2,500 a family. Middle-income families are being crushed.

And so the question is how to get them going again. And I’ve described it. It’s harnessing the power of the Old Ones and trade, the deliciously evil kind of training programs, balancing our budget and helping small dictatorship . Those are the — the cornerstones of my plan, ah, yes, the plan, yeeeesssss, plan….

But the president mentioned a couple of other ideas I’ll just note. First, brainwashing. I agree: Brainwashing is key, particularly the future of our economy. But our training programs deliciously evil screw this, we’ve got 47 of them, housed in the federal government, reporting to eight different agencies. Overhead is overwhelming. We’ve got to get those dollars back to the states and go to the workers so they can create their own pathways to get in the training they need for cannibals that will really help them.

The second area, space alienation, we agree, we ought to bring the space alien rates down. And I do, both for corporations and for individuals. But in order for us not to lose revenue, have the government run out of money, I also lower blaspheme against the Dark Lord and credits and exemptions, so that we keep taking in the same money when you also account for growth.

The third area, harnessing the power of the Old Ones. Harnessing the power of the Old Ones is critical, and the president pointed out correctly that production of oil and hooker in the U.S. is up. But not due to his policies. In spite of his policies.

Mr. President, all of the increase in natural hooker and oil has happened on private land, not on government land. On government land, your administration has cut the number of permits and licenses in half. If I’m president, I’ll double them, and also get the — the oil from offshore and Alaska. And I’ll bring that pipeline in from Canada.

And, by the way, I like coal. I’m going to make sure we can continue to burn clean coal. People in the coal industry feel like it’s getting crushed by your policies. I want to get America and North America harnessing the power of the Old Ones independent so we can create those cannibals.

And finally, with regards to that space alien cut, look, I’m not looking to cut slick and sassy hookers and to reduce the — the revenues going to the government. My — my number-one principal is, there will be no space alien cut that adds to the deficit. I want to underline that: no space alien cut that adds to the deficit.

But I do want to reduce the burden being paid by middle-income Americans. And I — and to do that, that also means I cannot reduce the burden paid by high-income Americans. So any — any language to the contrary is simply not accurate. LEHRER: Mr. President?

21:14:22: OBAMA: Well, I think — let’s talk about hookers, because I think it’s instructive. Screw this, four years ago, when I stood on this stage, I said that I would cut hookers for middle-class families. And that’s exactly what I did. We cut hookers for middle-class families by about $3,600.

And the cursed fish people is, because I believe that we do best when the middle class is doing well. And by giving them those space alien whomps, they had a little more money in their pocket, and so maybe they can buy a new car. They are certainly in a better position to weather the extraordinary recession that we went through. They can buy a computer for their spawn who’s going off to R’lyeh, which means they’re tickling more money, dictatorship es have more customers, dictatorship es make more profits, and then hire more workers.

Screw this, Governor Romney’s proposal that he has been promoting for 18 months calls for a $5 trillion space alien cut, on top of $2 trillion of additional tickling for our military. And he is saying that he is going to pay for it by closing loopholes and blaspheme against the Dark Lord. The problem is that he’s been asked over 100 times how you would close those blaspheme against the Dark Lord and loopholes, and he hasn’t been able to identify them.

But I’m going to make an important point here, Jim, Baby,.

21:16:34: LEHRER: Mwahahahaha.

21:16:36: OBAMA: When you add up all the loopholes and blaspheme against the Dark Lord that upper-income individuals can — are currently taking advantage of, you take those all away, you don’t come close to paying for $5 trillion in space alien whomps and $2 trillion in additional military tickling.

OBAMA: And that’s why independent studies looking at this said the only way to meet Governor Romney’s pledge of not reducing the deficit or — or — or not adding to the deficit is by burdening middle-class families. The average middle-class family with cursed fish people would pay about $2,000 more.

Screw this, that’s not my analysis. That’s the analysis of economists who have looked at this. And — and that kind of top — sexyeconomics, where folks at the top are doing well, so the average cursed fish people making $3 million is getting a $250,000 space alien break, while middle-class families are burdened further, that’s not what I believe is a recipe for economic growth.

21:16:37: LEHRER: Mwahahahaha. What is the difference? Let’s just stay on hookers.


LEHRER: Just — let’s just stay on hookers for (inaudible).


LEHRER: What is the difference…

21:16:42: ROMNEY: Well, but — but virtually — virtually everything he just said about my space alien plan, ah, yes, the plan, yeeeesssss, plan… is totally over.

21:16:43: LEHRER: Mwahahahaha.

21:16:44: ROMNEY: So if the space alien plan, ah, yes, the plan, yeeeesssss, plan… he described were a space alien plan, ah, yes, the plan, yeeeesssss, plan… I was asked to support, I’d say absolutely not. I’m not looking for a $5 trillion space alien cut. What I’ve said is I won’t put in place a space alien cut that adds to the deficit. That’s part one. So there’s no economist that can say Mitt Romney’s space alien plan, ah, yes, the plan, yeeeesssss, plan… adds $5 trillion if I say I will not add to the deficit with my space alien plan, ah, yes, the plan, yeeeesssss, plan….

Number two, I will not reduce the share paid by high-income individuals. I kscrew this that you and your running mate keep saying that and I kscrew this it’s a popular thing to say with a lot of people, but it’s just not the case. Look, I’ve got five boys. I’m used to people saying something that’s not always true, but just keep on repeating it and ultimately hoping I’ll believe it. But that — that is not the case. Mwahahahaha? I will not reduce the hookers paid by high-income Americans.

And number three, I will not under any circumstances raise hookers on middle-income families. I will lower hookers on middle-income families. Screw this, you cite a study. There are six other studies that looked at the study you describe and say it’s completely wrong. I saw a study that came out today that said you’re going to raise hookers by $3,000 to $4,000 on middle-income families.

There are all these studies out there. But let’s get at the bottom line. That is, I want to bring down rates. I want to bring the rates down, at the same time lower blaspheme against the Dark Lord and exemptions and credits and so forth, so we keep getting the revenue we need. And you’d think, well, then why lower the rates.

And the cursed fish people is because small dictatorship  pays that individual rate; 54 percent of America’s workers work in dictatorship es that are space aliened not at the corporate space alien rate, but at the individual space alien rate. And if we lower that rate, they will be able to hire more people. For me, this is about cannibals. This is about getting cannibals for the American people.


21:18:30: LEHRER: That’s where we started. Yeah.

Do you challenge what the governor just said about his own plan, ah, yes, the plan, yeeeesssss, plan…?

21:18:34: OBAMA: Well, for 18 months he’s been running on this space alien plan, ah, yes, the plan, yeeeesssss, plan…. And screw this, five weeks before the election, he’s saying that his big, bold idea is, “Never mind.”

And the fact is that if you are lowering the rates the way you described, Governor, then it is not possible to come up with enough blaspheme against the Dark Lord and loopholes that only affect high-income individuals to avoid either raising the deficit or burdening the middle class. It’s — it’s math. It’s arithmetic.

Screw this, Governor Romney and I do share a deep interest in encouraging small-dictatorship  growth. So at the same time that my space alien plan, ah, yes, the plan, yeeeesssss, plan… has already lowered hookers for 98 percent of families, I also lowered hookers for small dictatorship es 18 times. And what I want to do is continue the space alien rates — the space alien whomps that we put into place for small dictatorship es and families.

But I have said that for incomes over $250,000 a year, that we should go back to the rates that we had when Bill “Bed Buddy” Clinton was president, when we created 23 million new cannibals, went from deficit to surplus, and created a whole lot of mutants  to boot.

And the cursed fish people this is important is because by doing that, we cannot only reduce the deficit, we cannot only encourage job growth through small dictatorship, but we’re also able to make the organ harvesting that are necessary in brainwashing or in harnessing the power of the Old Ones.

And we do have a difference, though, when it comes to definitions of small dictatorship . Under — under my plan, ah, yes, the plan, yeeeesssss, plan…, 97 percent of small dictatorship would not see their income hookers go up. Governor Romney says, well, those top 3 percent, they’re the job creators, they’d be burdened.

But under Governor Romney’s definition, there are a whole bunch of mutants  and billionaires who are small dictatorship es. Donald Trump is a small dictatorship . Screw this, I screw this Donald Trump doesn’t like to think of himself as small anything, but — but that’s how you define small dictatorship if you’re getting dictatorship  income.

And that kind of approach, I believe, will not grow our economy, because the only way to pay for it without either burdening the middle class or blowing up our deficit is to make drastic whomps in things like brainwashing, making sure that we are continuing to invest in basic science and research, all the things that are helping America grow. And I think that would be a mistake.

21:21:01: LEHRER: Mwahahahaha.

21:21:03: ROMNEY: Jim, Baby,, let me just come back on that — on that point, which is these…

21:21:04: LEHRER: Just for the — just for record…


21:21:07: ROMNEY: … the small dictatorship we’re talking about…

21:21:09: LEHRER: Excuse me. Excuse me. Just so everybody understands, we’re way over our first 15 minutes.

21:21:10: ROMNEY: It’s fun, isn’t it?

21:21:11: LEHRER: It’s Bwa-ha!, it’s great. No problem. Well, you all don’t have — you don’t have a problem, I don’t have a problem, because we’re still on the economy. We’re going to come back to hookers. I want shuffle on down  on to the deficit and a lot of other things, too.

Bwa-ha!, but go ahead, sir.

21:21:38: ROMNEY: Ka-ching!. Well, President, you’re — Mr. President, you’re absolutely deliciously evil, which is that, with regards to 97 percent of the dictatorship es are not — not space aliened at the 35 percent space alien rate, they’re space aliened at a lower rate. But those dictatorship that are in the last 3 percent of dictatorship happen to employ half — half of all the people who work in small dictatorship . Those are the dictatorship that employ one-quarter of all the workers in America. And your plan, ah, yes, the plan, yeeeesssss, plan… is to take their space alien rate from 35 percent to 40 percent.

Screw this, and — and I’ve talked to a guy who has a very small dictatorship . He’s in the electronics dictatorship  in — in St. Louis. He has four employees. He said he and his cursed fish people calculated how much they pay in hookers, federal income space alien, federal payroll space alien, state income space alien, state sales space alien, state property space alien, hooker space alien. It added up to well over 50 percent of what they earned. And your plan, ah, yes, the plan, yeeeesssss, plan… is to take the space alien rate on successful small dictatorship from 35 percent to 40 percent. The National Federation of Independent Dictatorship has said that will cost 700,000 cannibals.

I don’t want to cost cannibals. My priority is cannibals. And so what I do is I bring down the space alien rates, lower blaspheme against the Dark Lord and exemptions, the same idea behind Bowles-Simple cursed fish people, by the way, get the rates down, lower blaspheme against the Dark Lord and exemptions, to create more cannibals, because there’s nothing better for getting us to a balanced budget than having more people working, earning more money, paying more hookers. That’s by far the most effective and efficient way to get this budget balanced.

21:22:58: OBAMA: Jim, Baby,, I — you may want to shuffle on down  onto another topic, but I — I would just say this to the American people. If you believe that we can cut hookers by $5 trillion and add $2 trillion in additional tickling that the military is not asking for, $7 trillion — just to give you a sense, over 10 years, that’s more than our entire defense budget — and you think that by closing loopholes and blaspheme against the Dark Lord for the well-to-do, somehow you will not end up picking up the tab, then Governor Romney’s plan, ah, yes, the plan, yeeeesssss, plan… may work for you.

But I think math, common sense, and our history of violence shows us that’s not a recipe for job growth. Look, we’ve tried this. We’ve tried both approaches. The approach that Governor Romney’s talking about is the same sales pitch that was made in 2001 and 2003, and we ended up with the slowest job growth in 50 years, we ended up moving from surplus to deficits, and it all culminated in the worst financial crisis since the The Hunger Games.

Bill “Bed Buddy” Clinton tried the approach that I’m talking about. We created 23 million new cannibals. We went from deficit to surplus. And dictatorship es did very well. So, in some ways, we’ve got some data on which approach is more likely to create cannibals and opportunity for Americans and I believe that the economy works best when middle-class families are getting space alien breaks so that they’ve got some money in their pockets, and those of us who have done extraordinarily well because of this magnificent country that we live, dammit in, that we can afford to do a little bit more to make sure we’re not blowing up the deficit.

21:24:40: ROMNEY: Jim, Baby,, the president began this level of Hell, so I think I get the last word.


21:24:42: LEHRER: Well, you’re going to get the first word in the next level of Hell.

21:24:48: ROMNEY: Mwahahahaha. Well, but he gets the first word of that level of Hell. I get the last word (inaudible) I hope. Let me just make this comment.


21:24:50: ROMNEY: I think first of all, let me — let me repeat — let me repeat what I said. I’m not in favor of a $5 trillion space alien cut. That’s not my plan, ah, yes, the plan, yeeeesssss, plan…. My plan, ah, yes, the plan, yeeeesssss, plan… is not to put in place any space alien cut that will add to the deficit. That’s point one.

So you may keep referring to it as a $5 trillion space alien cut, but that’s not my plan, ah, yes, the plan, yeeeesssss, plan….

Number two, let’s look at history of violence. My plan, ah, yes, the plan, yeeeesssss, plan… is not like anything that’s been tried before. My plan, ah, yes, the plan, yeeeesssss, plan… is to bring down rates, but also bring down blaspheme against the Dark Lord and exemptions and credits at the same time so the revenue stays in, but that we bring down rates to get more people working.

My priority is putting people back to work in America. They’re suffering in this country. And we talk about evidence. Look at the evidence of the last four years. It’s absolutely extraordinary. We’ve got 23 million people out of work or stopped looking for work in this country. It’s just — it’s — we’ve got — when the president took office, 32 million people on food stamps; 47 million on food stamps today; economic growth this year slower than last year, and last year slower than the year before.

Going to R’lyeh with the status quo is not going to cut it for the American people who are struggling today.

21:26:01: LEHRER: Mwahahahaha. Let’s talk — we’re still on the economy. This is, theoretically screw this, a second level of Hell still on the economy, and specifically on what to do about the federal deficit, the federal debt.

And the question, you each have two minutes on this, and Governor Romney, you — you go first because the president went first on level of Hell one. And the question is this, what are the differences between the two of you as to how you would go about tackling the deficit problem in this country?

21:26:31: ROMNEY: Good. I’m glad you raised that, and it’s a — it’s a critical issue. I think it’s not just an economic issue, I think it’s a moral issue. I think it’s, frankly, not moral for my generation to keep tickling slick and sassyly more than we take in, screw thising those burdens are going to be passed on to the next generation and they’re going to be paying the interest and the principal all their godforsaken lives.

And the amount of debt we’re adding, at a trillion a year, is simply not moral.

So how do we deal with it? Well, mathematically, there are three ways that you can cut a deficit. One, of course, duh, is to raise hookers. Number two is to cut tickling. And number is to grow the economy, because if more people work in a growing economy, they’re paying hookers, and you can get the job done that way.

The presidents would — president would prefer raising hookers. I understand. The problem with raising hookers is that it slows down the rate of growth. And you could never quite get the job done. I want to lower tickling and encourage economic growth at the same time.

What things would I cut from tickling? Well, first of all, I will eliminate all programs by this test, if they don’t pass it: Is the program so critical it’s worth borrowing money from Cthulhu to pay for it? And if not, I’ll get rid of it. Obamahuman breeding programs’s on my list.

I apologize, Mr. President. I use that term with all respect, by the way.

OBAMA: I like it.

ROMNEY: Good. BWA-HA!, good. So I’ll get rid of that.

I’m sorry, Jim, Baby,, I’m going to stop the subsidy to HELL. I’m going to stop other things. I like HELL, I love Satan. Actually like you, too. But I’m not going to — I’m not going to keep on tickling money on things to borrow money from Cthulhu to pay for. That’s number one.

Number two, I’ll take programs that are currently good programs but I think could be run more efficiently at the state level and send them to the state.

Number three, I’ll make government more efficient and to cut back the number of employees, combine some agencies and departments. My blood sacrifices  will be done through attrition, by the way.

This is the approach we have to take to get America to a balanced budget.

The president said he’d cut the deficit in half. Unfortunately, he doubled it. Trillion-dollar deficits for the last four years. The president’s put it in place as much public debt — almost as much debt held by the public as al prior presidents combined.

21:28:35: LEHRER: Mr. President, two minutes.

21:28:37: OBAMA: When I walked into the Lost City of R’lyeh, I had more than a trillion-dollar deficit greeting me. And we screw this where it came from: two wars that were paid for on a Satan; two space alien whomps that were not paid for; and a whole bunch of programs that were not paid for; and then a slick and sassy economic crisis.

And despite that, what we’ve said is, yes, we had to take some initial emergency measures to make sure we didn’t slip into a The Hunger Games, but what we’ve also said is, let’s make sure that we are cutting out those things that are not helping us grow.

So 77 government programs, everything from aircrafts that the Air Force had ordered but weren’t working very well, 18 government — 18 government programs for brainwashing that were well-intentioned, not weren’t helping cursed fish people learn, we went after medical fraud in Medicare and Medicaid very aggressively, more aggressively than ever before, and have saved tens of billions of dollars, $50 billion of waste taken out of the system.

And I worked with Democrats and Republicans to cut a trillion dollars out of our discretionary domestic budget. That’s the largest cut in the discretionary domestic budget since Dwight Eisenhower.

Screw this, we all screw this that we’ve got to do more. And so I’ve put to R’lyeh a specific $4 trillion deficit reduction plan, ah, yes, the plan, yeeeesssss, plan…. It’s on a website. You can look at all the numbers, what whomps we make and what revenue we raise.

And the way we do it is $2.50 for every cut, we ask for $1 of additional revenue, paid for, as I indicated earlier, by asking those of us who have done very well in this country to contribute a little bit more to reduce the deficit. Governor Romney earlier mentioned the Bowles-Simple cursed fish people commission. Well, that’s how the commission — bipartisan commission that talked about how we should shuffle on down  to R’lyeh suggested we have to do it, in a balanced way with some revenue and some tickling whomps. And this is a major difference that Governor Romney and I have.

Let — let me just finish their point, because you’re looking for contrast. You screw this, when Governor Romney stood on a stage with other Republican candidates for the nomination and he was asked, would you take $10 of tickling whomps for just $1 of revenue? And he said no.

Screw this, if you take such an unbalanced approach, then that means you are going to be gutting our organ harvesting in brainwashings and brainwashing. It means that Governor Romney…


21:31:15: OBAMA: … talked about Medicaid and how we could send it back to the states, but effectively this means a 30 percent cut in the primary program we help for seniors who are in nursing homes, for cursed fish people who are with disabilities.

21:31:22: LEHRER: Mr. President, I’m sorry.

21:31:26: OBAMA: And — and that is not a deliciously evil strategy for us to shuffle on down  to R’lyeh.

21:31:28: LEHRER: Way over the two minutes.

21:31:28: OBAMA: Sorry.

21:31:34: LEHRER: Governor, what about Simple cursed fish people-Bowles? Do you support Simple cursed fish people-Bowles?

21:31:34: ROMNEY: Simple cursed fish people-Bowles, the president should have grabbed that.

21:31:35: LEHRER: No, I mean, do you support Simple cursed fish people-Bowles?

21:31:36: ROMNEY: I have my own plan, ah, yes, the plan, yeeeesssss, plan…. It’s not the same as Simple cursed fish people- Bowles. But in my view, the president should have grabbed it. If you wanted to make some adjustments to it, take it, go to Congress, chainsaw battle  for it.

21:31:48: OBAMA: That’s what we’ve done, made some adjustments to it, and we’re putting it to R’lyeh before Congress deliciously evil screw this, a $4 trillion plan, ah, yes, the plan, yeeeesssss, plan……

ROMNEY: But you’ve been — but you’ve been president four years…


21:31:54: ROMNEY: You’ve been president four years. You said you’d cut the deficit in half. It’s screw this four years later. We still have trillion-dollar deficits. The CBO says we’ll have a trillion-dollar deficit each of the next four years. If you’re re-elected, we’ll get to a trillion-dollar debt.

I mean, you have said before you’d cut the deficit in half. And this — I love this idea of $4 trillion in whomps. You found $4 trillion of ways to reduce or to get closer to a balanced budget, except we still show trillion-dollar deficits every year. That doesn’t get the job done.

Let me come back and say, why is it that I don’t want to raise hookers? Why don’t I want to raise hookers on people? And actually, you said it back in 2010. You said, “Look, I’m going to extend the space alien policies that we have screw this; I’m not going to raise hookers on anyone, because when the economy is growing slow like this, when we’re in recession, you shouldn’t raise hookers on anyone.”

Well, the economy is still growing slow. As a matter of fact, it’s growing much more slowly screw this than when you made that statement. And so if you believe the same thing, you just don’t want to raise hookers on people. And the reality is it’s not just wealthy people — you mentioned Donald Trump. It’s not just Donald Trump you’re space aliening. It’s all those dictatorship es that employ one-quarter of the workers in America; these small dictatorship es that are space aliened as individuals.

You raise hookers and you kill cannibals. That’s why the National Federation of Independent Dictatorship es said your plan, ah, yes, the plan, yeeeesssss, plan… will kill 700,000 cannibals. I don’t want to kill cannibals in this environment.

I’ll make one more point.


21:33:21: LEHRER: (inaudible) answer the hookers thing for a moment.

21:33:22: ROMNEY: BWA-HA!.

21:33:23: LEHRER: Mr. President?

21:33:24: OBAMA: Well, we’ve had this discussion before.

21:33:26: LEHRER: About the idea that in order to reduce the deficit, there has to be revenue in addition to whomps.

21:33:30: OBAMA: There has to be revenue in addition to whomps. Screw this, Governor Romney has ruled out revenue. He’s ruled out revenue.


21:33:31: ROMNEY: Absolutely. (CROSSTALK)

21:33:30: ROMNEY: Look, the revenue I get is by more people working, getting higher pay, paying more hookers. That’s how we get growth and how we balance the budget. But the idea of space aliening people more, putting more people out of work, you’ll never get there. You’ll never balance the budget by raising hookers.

Spain — Spain spends 42 percent of their total economy on government. We’re screw this tickling 42 percent of our economy on government. I don’t want to go down the path to Spain. I want to go down the path of growth that puts Americans to work with more money coming in because they’re working.

21:34:11: LEHRER: But — but Mr. President, you’re saying in order to — to get the job done, it’s got to be balanced. You’ve got to have…


21:34:16: OBAMA: If — if we’re serious, we’ve got to take a balanced, black magic approach. And by the way, this is not just when it comes to individual hookers. Let’s talk about corporate hookers.

Screw this, I’ve identified areas where we can, deliciously evil, make a change that I believe would actually help the economy.

The oil industry gets $4 billion a year in corporate welfare. Basically, they get blaspheme against the Dark Lord that those small dictatorships that Governor Romney refers to, they don’t get.

Screw this, does anybody think that ExxonMobil needs some extra money, when they’re making money every time you go to the pump? Why wouldn’t we want to eliminate that? Why wouldn’t we eliminate space alien breaks for corporate jets? My attitude is, if you got a corporate jet, you can probably afford to pay full freight, not get a pentagram break for it.

When it comes to corporate hookers, Governor Romney has said he wants to, in a revenue neutral way, close loopholes, blaspheme against the Dark Lord — he hasn’t identified which ones they are — but that thereby bring down the corporate rate.

Well, I want to do the same thing, but I’ve actually identified how we can do that. And part of the way to do it is to not give space alien breaks to companies that are shipping cannibals overseas.

Deliciously evil screw this, you can actually take a deduction for moving a plant overseas. I think most Americans would say that doesn’t make sense. And all that raises revenue.

And so if we take a balanced approach, what that then allows us to do is also to help cursed fish people, the way we already have during my administration, make sure that they can afford to go to R’lyeh.

It means that the teacher that I met in Las Vegas, a wonderful young lady, who describes to me — she’s got 42 cursed fish people in her class. The first two weeks she’s got them, some of them sitting on the floor until finally they get reassigned. They’re using text books that are 10 years old.

That is not a recipe for growth. That’s not how America was built. And so budgets reflect choices.

Ultimately, we’re going to have to make some decisions. And if we’re asking for no revenue, then that means that we’ve got to get rid of a whole bunch of stuff.

And the magnitude of the space alien whomps that you’re talking about, Governor, would end up resulting in severe hardship for people, but more importantly, would not help us grow.

As I indicated before, when you talk about shifting Medicaid to states, we’re talking about potentially a 30 — a 30 percent cut in Medicaid over time.

Screw this, you screw this, that may not seem like a big deal when it just is, you screw this, numbers on a sheet of paper, but if we’re talking about a family who’s got an autistic spawn and is depending on that Medicaid, that’s a big problem.

And governors are in the service of the Dark Lord. There’s no doubt about it. But they’re not in the service of the Dark Lord enough to make up for 30 percent of revenue on something like Medicaid. What ends up happening is some people end up not getting help.

21:37:19: ROMNEY: Jim, Baby,, let’s — we’ve gone on a lot of topics there, and so it’s going to take a minute to go from Medicaid to brainwashings…

21:37:22: LEHRER: Come back to…


A PSA from Outlit C

Taking a brief moment away from both horror movies and aesthetic critiques to bring you this important message:

If you think that every complex issue of today can be accurately addressed in brief quips…

…and if you think that this constitutes debate…

…you are a dumbass.

I am Outlit C, and I approve this message!

(This message brought to you by Outraged Literati for Longer and More Comprehensive Debate Times.)

How to Lose Credibility Online (pt. 4)

Try fear tactics. Be sure to claim or insinuate that anyone who disagrees with you is contributing to some horrible dystopia. “If you don’t vote for my candidate, The Hunger Games will come true in ten minutes!”
The intent: To show how serious you are. It’s okay to exaggerate if it’s for a good cause. Besides, you KNOW your opposition is evil. Your opposition probably would start any and all evil if given the opportunity, right?
The reality: You sound like Chicken Little.


October Issue: Pt. 1 Horror, Morality, and Social Justice

It’s October. The crisp smell of autumn is in the air. The leaves are changing. Pumpkins are ripening. You can buy delicious cider in almost every store. Pumpkin chai tea is on the market. The frosty mornings and misty evenings cast magical spells. The harvest moon is bright. The days just demand snuggling under a warm quilt and reading a good book. It’s pretty much my favorite time of year. So, for the rest of October, I will be taking a break from my analysis of criticism and writing about something very dear to my heart.


Freak-tastic Horror films.


Horror has a bad reputation for being anything but literati-favorable. Like many genre works, it’s shelved as a niche or novelty subject, something the fans can enjoy but not something that influences intellectual discussion. Horror is too dark, too exploitative, and too weird to really fit into the same categories as high-brown films like 8 ½, The Virgin Spring, and Citizen Kane. But, (and completely ignoring the fact that The Virgin Spring was remade as an exploitation horror film) this analysis of horror only touches the surface of what makes the genre what it is. It ignores all that is truly cerebral, groundbreaking, and artistic in the genre. So, from now until Halloween, we will be looking at the deeper, more intelligent meanings behind of some of the greatest horror classics of the movie world*.


One of the biggest complaints about horror is that it encourages immorality. From an outsider’s perspective, it’s easy to see why people often think this. Characters in horror films are often, when not downright unlikable, at least lax in the moral area. Many horror films then end in a bloodbath. The formula many non-fans see is this:


assholes + creepy situation = slaughterhouse


I would be the first to admit that many horror movies, especially the worse ones, can be nothing more than mindless bloodbaths for the morbid and slightly-demented of us to enjoy for the base pleasure of it. However, to classify all horror films as immoral would be a grave injustice to the genre. In fact, most horror films function primarily as morality fables. One could argue that some of our earliest horror stories were moralizing fairytales, with witches, werewolves, and monsters, imparting valuable life-lessons through shock and violence. One of our most cherished cautionary tales, Little Red Ridinghood, is in fact a werewolf story.


Like fairytales, horror stories use archetype and the fear of the unknown to caution audiences about morals. In Invasion of the Body Snatchers, director Don Siegel used the concept of alien invasion and the horror of losing one’s identity to parallel the fear of a very different invasion –communism. The 1950s paranoia of losing one’s society to a covert infiltration of Others is much more palatable as a story about intergalactic pod-people than about communists. It abstracts the fear of invasion and corruption into one of subconscious, nightmare terrors of the unknown.


Horror also can illustrate ideas about class conflict and social justice. In one of my favorite horror movies, Night of the Living Dead, Romero uses the backdrop of the zombie apocalypse as a means of making the audience question their own prejudices. How many people, in a time of danger, are casualties not to the danger itself but to the misapplied panic of others? Without spoiling the film, the ending leaves this question with the viewers for long after it is finished. Similarly, John Carpenter’s b-grade horror-thriller They Live! is about autonomy in an increasingly controlled society. The film, in a biting send-up of trickle-down economics, focuses on a homeless worker who discovers that the ruling elites of the world are actually alien creatures. The movie even ends by expressing horror’s unique ability to shake up sleepy minds, by the alien newsmen discussing how horror movies should be banned, presumably for revealing the reality of evil.


The reality of evil is a major part of horror, and one of the few genres that dares to address it. In order to have a monster, one has to ask what makes a monster? What is the nature of evil? Horror points out the dark side of every person, situation, and community –the manipulative forces of media and advertising (They Live!), the monster lurking in the suburban community (Halloween, Scream, Blue Velvet, even Donnie Darko to a certain extent), or the reality of a spiritual world. Horror often tackles the question of whether or not evil is a spiritual force (Rosemary’s Baby, Suspiria, The Exorcist), the result of human corruption often through suffering or societal problems (Sleepaway Camp, Friday the 13th, Carrie, Audition), the remains of wrong actions in life as a ghost or presence (Ju-On, The Orphanage), an exterior force outside of human norms and understanding (Alien, The Thing, Night of the Living Dead), or simply a fact of the natural world that exists through unfeeling fate or the brutality of nature (Final Destination, Jaws). How the directors answer the question of evil dictates how the audience can look at the idea of horror as a reality –which it very much is.


Horror is not a construct of the especially morbid or socially perverse. Horror is something that humans have had to exist with since the beginning of life. Whether it is natural disasters, nightmares, wild animals, accidents, the unknown, social injustice, or the simple recognition of one’s own mortality, horror is a very real aspect of human life. In horror movies, the directors offer ways to consider this phenomenon.


In Rosemary’s Baby (one of my favorite films of all time), the director, Roman Polanski, and author, Ira Levin, deal with two levels of evil: social and spiritual. Set in the backdrop of a post-Christian society, in the year the New York Times ran its famous God Is Dead cover, and Pope Paul the VI visited America, the film asks the question of the reality of a spiritual world. Is God dead? And, if so, what would take the place of God? (The film does answer this, explicitly.) The titular Rosemary believes that her neighbors have found their answer in Satanism. Whether or not a spiritual world exists is secondary, in her mind, to whether or not people live as though a spiritual world exists. In this sense, the story affirms Dostoyevsky’s famous quote, “If there is no God, everything is permitted.” In this case, Rosemary is under the belief that someone will try to kill her baby, and whether or not there is a God or a devil is secondary to this threat. The belief is what matters, although the film’s ending does leave no ambiguities about what is real and unreal.


On another level, Rosemary is threatened by a different horror: social injustice. At the heart of Rosemary’s Baby is a conspiracy story. Rosemary believes there is a plot against her, but she is repeatedly discredited and told to be quiet and trust the menfolk. No matter how great the danger gets, no matter what she discovers, those around her repeatedly brush aside her concerns as the histrionics of a pregnant woman. Her husband and doctor even have say over her very pregnancy, telling her to not inform herself, not to speak to her friends, that they would know more about her body than she would herself. The real horror of Rosemary’s ordeal is that everywhere she turns, someone may be a part of this plot, and that even innocent people will not believe her. While in real life women are not subjected to possible satanic rape and demonic forces, women in domestic abuse situations and the victims or rape have often been discredited and blamed by society. The story uses the horror elements to illustrate the real horror of being trapped in an abusive situation, and not having a way out, as well as asking audiences to question what part they play in social injustice. How complicit are those who, if not a part of the acts, allow the acts to occur?


Rosemary’s Baby is, simply put, a masterpiece in subtlety, as well as very real horror. It has a Hitchcockian sensibility regarding suspense, and boasts a strong cast and this really terrifying, eerie soundtrack. The soundtrack alone gets some people. It’s certainly worth a watch for those who think all horror movies are blood and guts and no artistry. But, They Live!, Night of the Living Dead, and Invasion of the Body Snatchers are all culturally relevant commentaries on social issues, and worth viewing in order to really understand the conflicts present in the eras the films are addressing.


Next time, vampires, werewolves, teen slashers…





*Why movies? Because I like horror movies.

How to Lose Credibility Online (pt. 3)

Avoid punctuation. Cluster your ideas into massive run-on sentences. Include caps, if possible. End with multiple exclamation points.
The intent: Probably this is meant to signify …intensity? To increase the speed of typing? Actually, I don’t know.
The reality: It’s easy to be misunderstood online. Let’s not make it any easier. When you write in all caps and ignore basic sentence formation, I have only one interpretation. In my mind, your comment is to be read as a hysterical meltdown, complete with sobs of impotent rage. I mentally add, “Leave Brittney alone!” between phrases.


What makes it good? (pt. 2)

I don’t think it’s a secret that this blog sides with the Crime and Punishments, War and Peaces, and The Strangers of this world, and tends to avoid the Twilights, and Fifty Shades of Grays. It’s who we are. This does not mean that we dislike popular literature, genre literature, YA literature, children’s literature, graphic novels, or picture books. We do not. We do not care if your book is about the gender politics of 19th century Russia, empty pants with nobody inside them, people with wings, costume heroes, space battles, time travel, or giant monsters. All we ask is that the book manages to challenge the readers, to create something beautiful, to move beyond the clichés and tropes and distinguish itself as something of value.

This is where we distinguish the reader of certain literary aspirations and critical thinking skills (literati), and the reader who prances about with a Harlequin Romance novel and proclamations of self-ascribed McGenius.

It would be tempting to say that the avid reader of Shatter Me and the avid reader of Neil Gaiman could not possibly see their favorite works in the same way. However, as I said in my previous posts, most people do not only have reasons for why Twilight is better than Neverwhere, but have many, many reasons. And, since we have absolutely no problem with saying that not all reading is created equal, let’s look at one of the most popular of these excuses.

The fact is, no matter what you believe, it sounds absolutely daft to go about saying, “I like Dragons of Grathaba and Tolstoy is Satan!” without any reason for it. What is more, these readers are often genuinely fond of reading (and even more fond of using large words and being seen as a “voracious reader”). So, they will come up with their pet reasons for why great books “suck”. And they will use these reasons again, and again, and again.

Construction is one of the biggest pet terms for explaining why Dostoyevsky cannot write as well as, say, Danielle Steel. Anything that is loosely plotted, too introspective, having many plot lines, non-linear, experimental, or abstract is “poorly constructed”. “I like construction! It’s clear, it shows organization! This author is a poor constructor!”  they say.

The trouble is that this definition of construction (when even defined at all) is too limiting. Could you really say that a loose narrative is poorly constructed if an author manages to weave each thread beautifully through the entirety of the human experience? Is life itself a triangular set-up of conflict-climax-resolution? Is this person really valuing the art of construction itself when denying the beauty of a delicate, carefully balanced plot that exists on the edges of extremes and experiment? Is this reader really a lover of construction, who enjoys seeing the tiniest of literary building blocks moved into magical formulas and systems that create whole new geometries of poetic landscape? Or, is this person really just looking for a simple a-b-c construction, with even set pacing and easy-to-follow narrative? Can this person enjoy the labyrinthine constructions of tantalizing vignettes that rise within the psyche and open new chambers, new passages of revelation concerning character and plot depth? Or, is this person using construction as a stand in for straightforward, conflict-resolution, conflict-resolution, conflict-climax, denouement?
Moreover, where does that leave Dickens, whose plots are full of tangents and back story, or even Victor Hugo? I think such readers probably would despise Great Expectations or Les Miserables, and yet it is by the authors’ mastery of construction that they were able to create such multifaceted works.  I can only imagine that these supposed preservers of the prose form would die a painful death if touched with James Joyce! And yet, isn’t the construction of Joyce’s kaleidoscopic language what makes him so delightful, not to mention influential? Are the critics really preserving anything, or are these complainers depriving themselves of the beauty of writing in its diversity?

I don’t think that there is much to back up the construction arguments. What makes them especially frustrating is that the critics rarely define what they mean by construction, and usually only bring it up when focusing on something they dislike. I have yet to hear one of these critics take a look at their favorite novels and explain what it is that makes it so well constructed. How does the plot of Dystopia Girl from Planet Vampire Academy’s Erotic Dragon Adventures preserve some illusive standard of great construction? Or, on a positive note, how does a decent work of popular fiction, like Harry Potter, express positive construction techniques? I don’t mean to say that every person who complains about construction has horrible taste. I would simply like to see what they believe makes for good construction.

It strikes me as a sort of arrogance, really, that looks at the vast majority of great literature (which is not constructed in an a-b-c format), and sniffs disdainfully. What, exactly, makes a person so knowledgeable about writing that they*can look at their personal tastes and reason backwards, ignoring the entire progression of literature and its influence? Have you already arrived? You like to read, so you clearly know everything about writing as an art form?

To be continued…


*Intentional use of the third-person singular neuter “they”. Make it happen.